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I Hooked Up With a Bad Dom. Should I Call Him Out?


I’m a 29-year-old bisexual woman in a nonmonogamous relationship. A few years ago, I wanted to explore my submissive side and met up with a Dom I connected with on a kink site. We had a few drinks and hit it off. We discussed what we were comfortable with and our limits beforehand. I set a few hard limits. In the middle of our first play session, he tried to renegotiate those limits. I said no a few times, but he kept asking and I eventually gave in. I should have ended it there, but it was my first time in a D/s situation, and I think he took advantage of that. The experience left me feeling terrible, but I didn’t communicate that to him at the time and just ended up ghosting him. I have since found a terrific and loving Dominant partner who has thankfully helped me explore my kinks in a way that makes me feel safe and cared for, and I know now that a good Dom ALWAYS respects limits, especially in the middle of play. Recently, I have seen this bad Dom on a few different dating apps and I’ve been thinking about sending him a message letting him know that what he did was wrong. I also worry that more women are going to have their boundaries violated by this guy. Will anything good come from this or should I just let it go? —Bitterly Debating Sending Message 

You were an inexperienced sub when you played with this guy, BDSM, but you don’t say whether he was similarly inexperienced. But even if we give him the benefit of the doubt—even if he didn’t know that attempting to renegotiate limits during a scene is never okay—you have every right to be angry.

“When it comes to D/s dating, the question is almost never about a person’s intentions but rather about the effect,” says Lina Dune, host of the Ask a Sub podcast. “Even if this guy didn’t mean to put BDSM in this awful situation—which, let’s be real, challenging someone’s limits is as fundamentally red-flaggy as it gets—he still did that and BDSM’s feelings matter.”

Since you wound up having to ghost this guy, BDSM, I assume that means he continued to contact you expecting to play again. Which means he either didn’t realize he’d done something wrong, BDSM, or he hoped that you, an inexperienced sub, would continue to submit to his manipulative bullshit, i.e., the consent violations he tried to pass off as consent-seeking “renegotiations” once play had started.



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